Preteen years are the most challenging period in a child’s life. It’s a time of confusion and frustration related to bodily changes and mental growth. Parents often are faced with challenges dealing with their preteens. The age between seven and fourteen in a child’s life is the most significant time leading the child into adulthood.
Understanding the predicament and behavioural aspects of a preteen will help parents drastically in reasoning with them.
Changes in Preteens
Some of the common changes in preteens are:
- Physical changes – Most of them are obsessed with their appearance. Often parents find their preteens perched in front of the mirror analysing the way they look.
- Sense of belonging – Friends tend to replace family on the scale of importance. They feel the need to belong and click to a group of people.
- Points of view – Preteens develop a strong of opinion at this stage and often lean toward being more argumentative than being agreeable.
- Privacy – They become more private and demand their privacy. If parents suddenly see notes like "Do Not Enter Without Permission" stuck on their room doors, it’s not uncommon.
- Forgetfulness – They develop selective amnesia where chores are easily forgotten. At this stage preteens haven’t developed their planning and organizational skills and often come up with excuses when they fail to complete an assigned chore or task.
- Social conscience – During this stage, preteens develop a strong sense of social conscience where they care about the surroundings and are aware of societal issues.
Understanding Preteens From a Psychological Point of View
Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget, in his cognitive development studies quoted in the Learning and Teaching Info website, underlined the development stages of preteens which involved movement from concrete to abstract thinking and a decrease in egocentric thoughts.
He called the ages between seven and eleven years as the "Concrete Operational Subperiod" and concluded that during this time children are able to think logically on concrete events but have difficulties understanding more abstract or difficult concepts because they haven’t developed the capability of abstract thinking.
Similarly, another psychologist, Erik Erickson in his psychosocial theory stressed the significance on the socials cultural components of an individual’s experience. He called the years seven to eleven in a child’s life as the Ego Development Outcome stage or "Industry vs. Inferiority" in his book Identity: Youth and Crisis (W.W Nortone & Company Inc, 1968).
Children at this age are capable of learning and accomplishing new skills and knowledge, which leads them to develop a sense of industry. This is also a social stage of development where they often experience unresolved feeling of inferiority among their friends or peers. Parents, although remain important, are no longer the center of their world; instead they are replaced by school, friends and the surroundings.
Dealing With Preteens
There are many ways parents can deal with preteens positively.
- Respect preteens’ privacy and allow them to have their own space. Preteens value their independence and domain, hence, their rooms are a place of solace for them. Knock before entering and wait for an answer.
- Parents should also set time aside for their preteens. Listen to their problems even if they appear childish and trivial. For preteens, these could a matter of life and death.
- Giving preteens the independence they crave is a mature step toward gradually letting go of them. Parents should realize that their preteens are growing up and no longer toddlers who are dependent on them. Allow them to make simple choices in life such as choosing what to wear or selecting an activity or sports.
- Apologizing to preteens when parents have failed to act a certain way is not a bad thing. Dr. Michael Bradley, a psychologist specializing in adolescent behaviour and also the author of Yes, Your Teen is Crazy (Harbour Press Inc, 2002) said in an interview on the LovetoKnow Website that “apology for our own failures teaches our children how to handle their own.”
- When addressing an issue with preteens, do so respectfully. They have egos and self-esteem that are easily bruised. Be sensitive toward them and their emotions.
It’s easy to dismiss preteens as being rebellious or inconsiderate or immature. Understanding their inner turmoil and their development stages will assist parents tremendously in dealing with their moods and behaviours.
Linda Sonna in her book, The Everything Tween Book: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving Turbulent (Adams Media, 2003) states that “Youngsters share their parents’ fears about dangers that lie ahead, but they doubt their ability to avoid them alone. Although they know they are loved, they doubt their parents’ ability to be there for them. Your tween needs your emotional and physical presence.”
Persevere as parents and don’t get discouraged by the “Keep Out” sign on the preteen’s door. It could be a cry for attention.
Source:
Learning Place Online.com. The Development Stages of Erik Erikson (accessed May 11, 2010).
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